my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
