I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
