I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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