he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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