Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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