You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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