There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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