I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
