So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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