I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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