Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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