Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
