I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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