the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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