I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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