I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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