the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
