there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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