I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
