Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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