Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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