A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
