yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
