mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
