we have pet lesbian snakes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So much rum. So many feels.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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