I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
