i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
