I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
false alarm, still single
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