i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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