I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
