im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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