take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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