i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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