We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
