Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
