Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
