sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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