When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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