grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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