So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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