i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
