Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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