Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
