I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
