How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
