How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
