My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
