Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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