He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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