I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
