Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
